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“A relationship can be likened to a ceiling supported by two walls that stand apart. If these walls are brought closer together, the ceiling may collapse” – this comparison highlights certain dynamics within a relationship.
As I transitioned into young adulthood, my fervent desire was to attain independence and broaden my horizons. Specifically, financial autonomy was paramount, as I had long been reliant on the support of others. My upbringing involved living with two older sisters, who were ever-ready to venture out for grocery shopping, and a mother who often shielded me due to my youngest status.
Interpersonal Dependency
Perhaps the “treatment” I received and the fact that I have never been alone in the house for 26 years have fostered this dependency on people. Even during school, I always went with my desk mate (she picked me up from the front of the stairs). In high school, I had a classmate who was also my neighbor, and we would go together. Only at university was I on my own, but I attended university less frequently – probably because I didn’t have anyone to accompany me. Consequently, I always needed to be accompanied wherever I went.
Regardless of spending time with other girls (during primary school, there were about 6 of us who gathered in front of the building every day), the two of us remained an enviable duo. My friend had to be available at all times, share everything with me first, invite me out first, stop inviting others to her home, and other such trivialities. Oh… the numerous arguments that occurred because of my dependent nature.
However, I wasn’t the only one with this “craziness.” At some point, my high school desk mate was also my neighborhood friend, and for the first time, I wasn’t jealous that she had other friends. Instead, I hid from her the fact that I stayed overnight at another classmate’s place because I knew she would get upset.
Personal Space, Freedom, and Intimacy
The same patterns emerged when I started getting to know boys and went on dates. In my mind, for the relationship to work, he had to dedicate all his attention and time to me. If I didn’t receive a message from him first thing in the morning, it felt like the end of the world.
If a day went by without constant messaging from morning till late evening, I believed he didn’t really like me. For me, being in contact all day was the assurance that the boy wanted to be in a relationship with me and, of course, was not cheating.
Why did I lack self-confidence? Because the boy I was with at that time (around 22 years old) didn’t give me everything. Well, he did, but I wanted more and more. Although I couldn’t stay overnight with him, I still expected him to propose it, thereby confirming his desire for my company. I even chose to skip two days at the office just to be with him and maintain control, so I could be at ease that he wasn’t talking or meeting with other girls.
That’s when I finally understood the words of my psychologist: “A ceiling is supported by two walls at a distance. Bring the walls closer, and the ceiling collapses.” Although it was difficult for me to accept this fact, it continues to help me in my daily life.
The Dynamics of a Relationship
Today, I no longer exchange daily messages with my friends, nor do we send each other pictures when shopping or seeing something interesting in the city. However, I now know they love me and are there for me, even if we don’t hear from each other for a few days. And if we don’t communicate, it means nothing significant happened in our lives, and we have nothing special to share.
As for my relationship, living under the same roof with my partner for over 8 years has taught me the importance of personal space, freedom, and intimacy. Nowadays, I cherish the moments spent alone, where I unwind and recharge positively, eagerly anticipating our reunion and quality time spent together.